The other night I made a move. I rolled to the middle of the bed and I let myself go to that dark place where you think about the what if. What if the worst happened while my husband is deployed to a war zone? What if something happened to me? What would my kids do? I had a good cry and made a plan. It did not help me. I had a good long talk with God and fell asleep. God is good and he is watching out for me and my family, but that will not keep terrible and dramatic things from happening. My strength needs to be in Christ. How hard it is to place all the worry and stress into anybodies hands, but I am going to try harder.
Last week, I managed J's pneumonia and strep quite well. I relied on my neighbor to watch C when she got home from school. A big step because I don't rely on anybody but my husband. He could not help me, as a matter of fact he did not know anything until 3 days later. I am a strong girl and most of our emergencies happen when R is away. He almost gets in the way when I am in emergency mode. There have been others. A dog bite that required stitches, 104 temperatures, stomach viruses, falls, scrapes, and nose bleeds. Nothing to dramatic or life threatening, but enough to get your blood pumping. What made me worry was thinking of never having back up, someone else to call in, a helpmate for my kids, his kids as well. They do not want to grow up without a Dad, they want him here to kiss them good night, to snuggle on the couch with, to enforce the rules (that may be me), they want that extra person as much as I do. I had to make a plan, now I have one, I doesn't make me feel any better.